Monday, January 7, 2013
Jeremy vs. Life: It all leads us to now...
After I dropped off the final paperwork at the county clerks office I sat in my car in the parking garage and tried to feel something. I mean, after two years of struggle the closure that comes with a divorce is supposed to come with some sort of feeling... right?
...and yet, there I sat and I felt nothing. Over the years I had seen and heard people speak of their divorces with a measure of joy, of freedom, even vindication. Others I had encountered spoke of their divorces with sorrow, anger... some times to the point of hatred.
...and yet I felt nothing. I had spent so much of the time following my ex's request for a divorce going somewhere between sorrow and anger that I don't think I had any left in me. As for joy or some sort of celebratory feeling... well that was missing as well. I gave 11 years of my life to a relationship that failed. You don't just walk away from that jumping for joy.
For a long time I felt like a failure. I had failed my self, my ex-wife, and worst of all, my children. Ultimately, I had to push those feelings aside. My children would need my strength, not my self-pity.
Sitting in the car that day the only feeling I could muster was the thought to not give up. I started the car and drove to pick up my kids.
Little did I know then what life would soon bring me.
For the last 17 months since I moved out on my own I've been battling with overwhelming feelings of depression and loneliness Every other night and every other weekend I would sit in my recliner and listen to the silence of my town house. My home became a seething cacophony of quiet and when my kids were with their mother that noiselessness only intensified.
I went into this past weekend with no indication that it was going to be different. It wasn't my weekend with my kids and I had no real plans other than to sit at home and be alone.
...and then she changed everything. A woman of amazing energy came into my life like a tidal wave and completely sent my weekend into a spin. By Sunday morning I was feeling more alive than I had in a couple of years. Chatting online, texting, hours on the phone. Getting to know each other far beyond what we'd known of each other before. The experience of this weekend helped to open my eyes and forced me to realize that what I had been experiencing for the last year could only be temporary. It reminded me that life often takes a giant leap in an unexpected direction right when you need it to. Even if you don't realize it.
I think back on the last decade of my life. The joy, the pain, the hurt feelings, the triumphs and the failures. I think about my daughters and how much of my life they changed. All of the events in my life have placed me where I am now. Yes, going through a divorce sucks. Yes, going through a divorce with children sucks even more. Here in lies the paradox... if not for that pain, if not for that process .. I wouldn't be where I am in my life right at this very moment, and considering the events of the last few days and the events of my life still to come. I wouldn't alter any of it.